Episode 84- Healing from the Grief of Loss of a Loved one.
We are starting on a series you may want to shy away from, but which you need to be a part of.
The theme of our series is- Healing from the Grief of Loss of a loved one.
Grief is one of the inevitable experiences of life. We will all encounter the pain and suffering of losing loved ones at some point of our lives. Our understanding of the experience of grief at times of of bereavement and our attitude toward it would determine how we respond in those difficult moments and whether we would ultimately conquer the excruciating pain and suffering of losing someone we love deeply.
I have just lost a close sister; a friend and confidant; a sister I was so deeply connected to, my older sister from the same parents to death, so I and members of my family are still in the process of grieving at the moment.
In my state of devastation and helplessness, it dawned on me that the only way I could deal with the stack darkness of this loss, and conquer it was to turn to my Heavenly Father; to search the Word of God and to listen to the Holy Spirit on what to do in my helplessness.
So in this series, we are going to consider the experience of grieving; we shall consider how a child of God should grieve; we shall look at the place of God, what He expects from us during our time of grieving and the role of the Holy Spirit during our time of grieving. Finally, we shall put into perspective, the future and life without our loved one after the initial time of grief.
What does it mean to grieve?
Grief is a natural emotional response to the loss of a loved one. It’s the emotional suffering you feel when someone you love is taken away from you.
It is possible to become overwhelmed and lose hope; to allow your emotions to rule; to get angry at God while you grieve. It is also possible to find strength, meaning, comfort, and even growth through the deep wound and pain by holding unto our faith.
Let me put things in perspective here so you don’t think I want to sound religious and that I have it all sorted out with my emotions under control. Far from it! I can tell you that grieving for the loss of a loved one is an extremely intense, emotional, and traumatic experience. It can be one of the most difficult experiences you would ever have to endure.
When my sister died, my grief was intense. The pain was as if someone placed a heavy piece of concrete in my heart. I felt all kinds of sorrowful emotions. Sometimes I felt a deep depressing sadness. Sometimes I felt so empty and numb
Sometimes I felt surreal, as if it could not be real. Most times I was in shock. In fact, till today, whenever I think of my sister, I have goose bumps. And then sometimes I felt regret that there was something I should have done. Maybe I should have prayed more for her. Yes-you may experience anger at yourself, doctors, other family members and even at God.
Physical Reactions
Grief is not limited to emotional responses. It may also trigger physical reactions-like loss of appetite, loss of weight, difficulty sleeping, headaches, fatigue. For me, it triggered a loss of interest in most physical activities.
The Circumstances of Death
The intensity of grieving is normally affected by the circumstances of death. When someone has been sick for a long period, death can be just as painful, but somewhat easier for family and friends who would most likely be phsycologically and mentally prepared for the loss. But a sudden loss leaves loved ones more devastated and traumatized, shocked and confused. Again the closer the person was to you and the deeper your relationship was with them, the greater the impact their loss is likely to have on you. My sister’s passing was sudden. We were very close and connected. So you can imagine the impact of losing her on me.
So the question is-how should a child of God grieve?
Is it wrong to be emotional, to cry and to express your pain and shock over the death of a loved one? I have always been around when people persuade bereaved persons to stop crying. I experienced this insistence by people to shut me up and convince me to stop crying. We will deal with this gang up to dissuade people from expressing grief in the next episode.
The fact is that it is okay to grieve.
It is okay to feel the way you feel because grief is a normal emotion during bereavement. It’s okay to feel the pain. You have just lost someone you value. Someone that has been an integral part of your life; and you are not able to comprehend life without that person. It’s okay to feel vulnerable. And it’s okay to express your feelings and your state of mind. It’s okay to cry. Crying is not a sign of weakness. Crying does not mean your emotions are out of control. Crying does not mean you lack faith so don’t allow people to make you feel guilty for weeping. In fact crying would relieve pressure and tension. Expressing your emotions and grieving would help your process of emotional healing as time goes on.
Understanding Suppression vs. Repression
Some people try to either suppress or repress the pain of grief at the time of loss. You suppress pain when you unconsciously try to block the pain out of your mind. You suppress pain when you consciously block the pain out of your mind, sometimes by refusing to think about the person you just lost. The first one is unconscious while the second is conscious. Both are denials. Suppressing or repressing pain could make you sick and result in deeper suffering later.
Scriptural Foundations
Isaiah 53:3 describes Jesus Christ the Messiah as “a man of sorrows and acquainted with deepest grief”. If our Lord and Saviour endured emotional and physical anguish, then it is okay for us to endure grief.
Isaiah 53:3Jesus also expressed grief. In John 11:35, the bible states that Jesus wept. This scripture presents Jesus quietly crying at the tomb of His friend Lazarus. Although Jesus knew He was going to bring Lazarus back to life, He momentarily shared in the grief of Mary and Martha, demonstrating that deep sadness is a natural human response to death.
John 11:35The pain of grieving will not go away if you try to mask the pain, deny it or ignore it. You need to face the pain of your loss. Trying to deny it would make things worse in the long run. So I neither suppressed not repressed my pain. I sat in it and let it out. We should express our grief, while trusting in the Holy Spirit the comforter to comfort us and wipe our tears away.
What do you do during the period of grieving?
Protect Your Mind
Be kind to yourself. Do not try to understand why it happened or listen to people’s analysis and perspectives about the cause of death and how it could have been prevented. I was very alert at not allowing such discussions around me when my sister passed. They would only make you feel bad and confused.
Quiet Time Adaptations
Having your quiet time would likely be a challenge. It’s okay. Talk to God quietly whenever you can. Play worship songs very often and listen to messages. If you are angry at God, that is part of your grief. You would get over it with time.
Nourish & Move
Take care of yourself. Be careful to nourish your body: eat and take water. You may have lost your appetite, but try to eat something everyday. Exercise also can release tension, anger and frustration. Get outside for fresh air. Make self care a priority.
Pace Your Journey
Live one day at a time. Cry during conversations if the emotion hits you. It is allowed.
Worship & Message Guidance
Play worship songs softly in the background to bring peace to your room. Keep focused resources nearby.
Soft Worship Playback
Highly recommended
Father, we are very grateful for the lives of all our loved ones who have departed this world. Thank you for the knowledge that we can grieve our loved ones without feeling that our emotions are out of control or that grief indicates a lack of faith.