Episode 85-Better to go to a House of Mourning
Reflecting on the vital role of family, friends, and colleagues in the sacred journey of bereavement.
In the last Episode, we started a new series on -Healing from the Grief of Loss of a loved one. We looked at the emotion of grieving and stressed that grieving is absolutely normal and that we should never suppress our feelings of the pain of loss. In this Episode, we are going to consider the important role of friends, family and colleagues during the period of grieving.
Like I mentioned in the last episode, in our society, the practice is for people to cajole bereaved persons to stop expressing their emotions. From the very day my sister passed, people were already persuading me not to weep! It sounded weird to me!
The Comfort Clichés of Society
People proffer so many reasons why bereaved persons should not weep. They would say your loved one is in a better place, or that God took them to avoid something bad happening, or that your loved one would not want you to be sad, or that you should cherish the good memories. They would always use the word-at least to remind you that it could have been worse. They tell you not to weep so you don’t get sick. Someone told me I should not cry. After all am I not a child of God?
There may be some truth in these statements, but the fact is that at the initial stage of bereavement, they do not help. They do not stop the bereaved person from hurting. You cannot talk people out of their feeling. All you achieve is to make the person mask their pain. And probably wait till they could be alone to let out their emotion.
Some people pay condolence visits to ask questions and delve into detailed theological discussions about why God allowed the person to die. Please don’t try to analyze the circumstance in order to make sense out of it. These discussions are very unnecessary and will not help the bereaved in any way. Your presence is more important than trying to make sense out of the situation.
God desires that we express our emotions. In different parts of the bible, He commands us to express certain emotions, including -to rejoice, to weep, to be angry and sin not. In Romans 12:15 He instructs us to rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn. Why would God instruct us to mourn with those who mourn if it is wrong to mourn? This scripture clearly acknowledges the place of mourning in the life of Christians.
In His teachings in the Beatitudes, Jesus declared-“Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted.”Matthew 5:4. So Jesus acknowledged the need to mourn.
Apostle Paul also wrote openly about his emotions. In Acts 20: 37, he wrote regarding his departure from the Ephesians. “There was much weeping on the part of all; they embraced Paul and kissed him, being sorrowful because they would not see him again.”
In Philippians 2:27 Paul expressed how distressed he was that his friend Epaphroditus was sick and almost died. According to Paul, “And he certainly was ill; in fact he almost died. But God had mercy on him-and also on me, so that I would not have one sorrow after another”. Paul was grateful to God not only for saving his friend but also for saving him from the sorrow and grief of losing a friend.
Presence Over Clichés
Mourning with those who mourn should be about showing up and sitting with people in their pain. It is about acknowledging people’s grief, not brushing it aside. It’s about offering comfort through your presence. It is not about offering quick fixes or clichés because you feel you just have to say something.
If the scripture encourages us to mourn with those who are mourning, why do we try to dissuade people from mourning?
To mourn with a person who is mourning is not to minimize the person’s pain. It is about grieving with the person. People say you should be strong and not allow the person see you break down too. In my own case, I felt a connection with those who wept with me because it meant that they felt my pain.
How to Walk Alongside Grieving Friends
We need to learn not to rush people. Allow people time and space to grieve because grieving is part of healing. Grieving is a release. Be patient with the bereaved. And avoid the word at least, it could have been worse.
Rather than dissuade the bereaved person from weeping, how about telling them you care about them? How about just sitting quietly with them and letting them know you are there, or asking them how they feel in order to encourage them to share their feelings?
Be a Listening Ear
One of the best things you can do to comfort someone who lost a loved one is to be a listening ear. Let them talk about their feelings and what they’re going through. Many people appreciate the opportunity to talk about the person they lost. Reminiscing and sharing fond memories of the lost one with the bereaved is a great way to mourn with those who mourn. Allowing them to be heard without judgment is a great way to be supportive.
Offer Practical Care
You could also just assure them you are there to help in anyway you can. You can offer to bring meals, run errands and help out with chores in the house.
Share Timely Hope
You can share the word of God at the right time; share stories of people who have experienced such devastating experiences and assure them they would also pass through it.
So we do not need to hide our grief and emotional struggles or pretend that we are okay when we are bereaved. In fact God knows exactly how you feel and how pained you are. He wants you to share your genuine feelings with Him and with others.
It’s okay to pour out our hearts to God and trust Him to comfort us in our grief. This is how we grieve like people who have hope.
The Comfort of Being Heard
Practicing true listening or seeking solace. Explore our interactive tool to find the right words or express heavy thoughts without judgment.
If you are hurting from a loss, or if you feel forced to wear a mask of strength, pour your heart out here. We are listening.
Learn how to avoid the “At Least” trap. Read the scenarios below and discover how shifting your words from clichés to silent presence or active care can facilitate genuine healing.
A friend is weeping intensely at a loss. You feel uncomfortable with the silence and say: “At least they lived a long life/are in a better place.”
Better Approach:
“I care about you. I am right here with you.” or simply sitting quietly with them and letting them know you are there.
You tell a crying bereaved Christian: “Why are you crying? After all, are you not a child of God?”
Better Approach:
“It’s okay to weep. Jesus wept too. Your faith doesn’t mean you cannot hurt.”
Do you want to check if a specific sentence you want to say is helpful or unhelpful?
Father teach us to be patient with people during their times of bereavment, help us not to minimize people’s pain, but to acknowledge their grief, to offer them comfort through our presence and to genuinely mourn with our brethren during their times of bereavement.